British Baker Trifle

 Judge on The Great British Baking Show: “Well... this certainly is jolly!”

Dom: SO IS SANTA’S FAT ASS!!

The Grocery Store

 Dom, about 30 minutes AFTER I have told him everything we need to get at the store today: “What do we need to get at the store today?”

Me: “I just told you the whole list, did you not listen the first time?”

Dom: “I doubt it, and I probably won’t listen the second time either.”

🤣🤣🤣🤣

This is my life, people.

The Pee Smell

 Me: Why does the toilet always smell like piss? Do you dribble or what? 

Dom: I can’t smell any pee! You can’t smell your own innards!

Snoring

In the middle of the night, I wake up to Dom snoring directly in my ear. 

Me, shaking him gently: “Hey, roll over. You’re snoring really bad.”

DOM, definitely not awake: “That’s just how the body works!” 

He then rolls over, like I asked, and resumes snoring in the other direction. 

The sliding door

Whilst installing a sliding door in the guest bedroom:

DOM: “I’m hanging doors and f*ckin’ whores! And I’m fresh out of whores!”

Taking a walk

When taking our daily walk during Coronavirus hell, we encounter a problem. 

Me: Which way do you want to go?

DOM: Up the hill. We have an aquatic situation up ahead. 

Me: you mean a puddle?

DOM: AN AQUATIC SITUATION. 

The Foot Machine

Upon getting a sweet new Vibe Pro machine for our achy post-run muscles, we were questioning which attachment is used for what body part. 

Me: this one says it’s for the neck and spine. 

DOM: Don’t push too hard, you’re gonna give me Spinal Bifia!

Me: You mean Spina Bifida?

Dom’s Belly

DOM: well, it’s happened. 

ME: What?

DOM: I moved to the suburbs, got married and now I’m fat. I HAVE SUBURBIGUT!!!

Twisted Chocolate

I thought I would get some chocolate Twizzlers to show Jake what they tasted like and when I brought them home I left them on the kitchen counter. 

DOM, upon eating his first chocolate Twizzler: “What TWISTED HELL is this?”

The Masked Tree

ME: That’s not Rachel Ray, her voice is too raspy. 

DOM: ...and Rachel Ray doesn’t have legs like that. 

JAKE: Ok then. 😳

DOM: No I mean. Rachel Ray is short and stalky. This person has long leggies. 

Ramen Probs

ME: You shouldn’t eat the packet that comes with the ramen noodles. It has animal products in it. 

DOM: Yeah, but it’s all ground to dust. It’s dusty cow.