Twisted Chocolate

I thought I would get some chocolate Twizzlers to show Jake what they tasted like and when I brought them home I left them on the kitchen counter. 

DOM, upon eating his first chocolate Twizzler: “What TWISTED HELL is this?”

The Masked Tree

ME: That’s not Rachel Ray, her voice is too raspy. 

DOM: ...and Rachel Ray doesn’t have legs like that. 

JAKE: Ok then. 😳

DOM: No I mean. Rachel Ray is short and stalky. This person has long leggies. 

Ramen Probs

ME: You shouldn’t eat the packet that comes with the ramen noodles. It has animal products in it. 

DOM: Yeah, but it’s all ground to dust. It’s dusty cow. 

6 mile training

ME: I don’t want to run in 90 degree heat today. We could just go to the gym and run on the treadmill. 

DOM: Yeah and I could go to a crack house and get a hooker, but I’m not gonna do it. 

Blast from the Past

This dude straight up posted these circa-1996 photos of himself on Facebook. For the whole world to see. I just had to document the glorious yester-years of my husband. #BringingSexyBack

Toy Story

DOM: What’s the name of the female cowboy from Toy Story?

Me: You mean the cowgirl?

Done With People

DOM: I just want to be home. Alone. In my bed. PETTING MY CAT!

Jolie’s Bad Belly

DOM: Jolie’s always complaining about her diverticulitis. That’s BS. She’s never dived a day in her life!

He’s Hangry

Tonight, Dom and I wanted to go to a vegan jazz and rib fest, but when we got there all the food was gone. 

We ended up at Melt downtown where we sat for 45 minutes for our food and never got it, so we left. 

We drove around and went to Aladdin’s where there was a festival in the middle of the road, and that’s when Dom lost it:

DOM: I’m about 10 seconds away from mowing over  small women and children!!

Trism

Me, driving with Dom through the short north: Trism... what the heck is that?

Dom, hearing Trison, not Trism: It’s where transgender people go to prison. 

(For the record, it’s a bar).

Legend in his Own Mind

Dom is seriously the best. What a dork. Life would suck without him. 

Tonight, he told me he wants his quotes printed on merch and sold at his funeral. 

DOM: I want this stuff printed on merch and sold at my funeral. It’s good stuff. 

“I’m an E-talian, not an I-talian. Now I’m a Dead-talian.”